“I was found.”
I know that I have had really hard times in my life. I know that when I was younger we were poor. We were even homeless at one point and had to live with friends. Before we lived with friends we lived in this shack of a house and me and my two brothers had to share one bed in this tiny room. I never looked at it as a bad thing. My family seemed happy. We were more grateful for the smallest things. I know how it feels to be the poor kid. I remember when I was little when we would go to the store, we knew to not ask for anything. I remember the first time that my dad got a good job. We were at the mall and for the first time we were allowed to pick something out. Even though we were poor, we were still happy.
I never talk about being homeless. Its not that I’m embarrassed of it because I’m not. I just don’t think many people would understand. I still don’t like asking for things. I don’t like when people buy me stuff because of how I grew up. That’s why when my birthday comes up and everyone is asking me what I want, I say that I want homemade gifts because they mean more to me. So when I was about 12 or 13 my parents finally started making pretty good money and they wanted to get us all this nice stuff, but I didn’t want it. I felt that I didn’t need it. There is a big difference between wanting and needing. I think most kids now don’t understand the difference between the two.
There came a point when my parents fought so much and I had to be the parent to my 2 younger siblings. My parents were always gone and when they were home they fought nonstop. I remember my dad coming to pick me up from liv it (youth group) and he wasn’t talking to me. I thought that I was in trouble, but when I got home there were holes in the walls and things thrown everywhere. I was used to seeing holes in the walls, but this was different. The feeling of my home was different. I walked into my brothers room and my mom was on the floor crying and she has red marks all over her. My dad choked my mom that night… I couldn’t even look at him. My mom has always been with abusing men. It sucks too because two of these men are men I’m suppose to trust. My biological father was going to kill me, my mom, and my brother one night when we were driving.
Before my parents got divorced I went to a friends house and she had an older brother and we were all watching a movie and my friend went to sleep so I went to her room to get my phone and when I turned around her brother was standing in the doorway and he shut the door.. He tried to rape me that night. The last thing I said before it was stopped was “God, please just help me. Stop this God please.” and it stopped. I was also in an abusive relationship. He cheated on me and hit me. I listen to a man who I looked at as an uncle kill himself. I heard him shoot himself in the head. I heard his girlfriend screaming for him to come back and then screaming for me to help.
- almost raped
But through all of that I was found.
- I found hope
- I found love
- I found joy
- I found strength
- I found courage
- I found forgiveness
- I found GOD
I’m finding who I’m suppose to be through Christ. Yeah, I’m going through a lot right now, but don’t expect to see me give up anytime soon. I have been through so much in my life. A lot more than what is just in this post, but I’m going to continue to pray. I’m going to continue to love everyone and love my Lord and Savior. I know that bad things happen, but God will get us through it. There is no question about that. There is nothing that he wont get you through. God will bring you out of hell and into bliss.
Trust me I know because He brought me out of such a dark place. He has guided me and blessed me to be able to reach out to new people and help them get through things that I have been through. So don’t think that there is no hope because hope is within Christ and you will find that hope when you seek Him. And when I say seek I don’t mean that you have to be perfect and have nothing wrong with you. I mean that He is right there and holding out his hand for you to grab and its your choice to grab it or not. Its not God holding up the wall. For seek him and your life with change I promise. There is nothing that he can’t get you through. I love all of you guys and if you ever need anything PLEASE let me know.
I know I run this site, and people would think “She can’t say that.”
But here I am loud and clear saying, “I struggle every single day.”
It is so hard sometimes. Some mornings I wake up and the anxiety hits me so hard it’s like I can’t even breathe. And I just keep asking myself why. Why can’t I just be numb. Why can’t I live like everyone else and not feel so much despair, feel so hopeless.
I literally have to write stay strong on my wrists every day. So every time I’m alone I remember NO. Its been almost a month without it, and you can keep going. It’s not impossible there is hope.
Yeah I run this site and I send hope to everyone I can but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.
That’s why I started this, because I struggle to. And I want people to see they are not alone in this struggle. It’s not bad to fall, but it’s bad to not get back up.
So we can keep falling. Maybe over and over, but as long as we get back up and try again we’re going strong.
This isn’t easy. This is a struggle.
Everything is a struggle.
But it’s not impossible.
Keep pushing on.