It’s really scary when someone cuts themselves. Honestly, people really don’t understand what its like unless you’ve been there. For you to be so angry and upset that you can take it out on yourself. That you can cut yourself open.
People take it so lightly when really its horrifying. It shows how much someone hates themselves. I can’t put in to words the overwhelming feeling there is.
When I cut two weeks ago for the first time in 6 months, it was really bad. I was usually a surface scratcher. But not this time. The scary part about it is, I didn’t even realize how bad it was. I’ve never cut that deep before and to me while I was doing it, I couldn’t do it enough. I’d go over the same spots again and again.
I woke up the next day with barely any memory of what happened. I believe what I went through that night was so traumatizing that my mind blocked it out.
I was in so much pain I could barely walk and i surely could not sit down like normal or cross my legs.
I literally tore myself apart, my legs were cut wide open, to the point that when I slept there would be blood on the sheets. And when I got put in the hospital I got sat down by the doctor and he told me if I would have cut in the wrong place I could have killed myself with how deep the wounds were. It took almost a week and a half to get them to the point where they would stop busting open and bleeding again.
Now 2 weeks out of it, and starting to feel a lot better. I look at my legs and arms that are still healing, and I realize just how much they are going to scar.
People stare at me when I go out because I look like someone tore me apart. I look psychotic. and that night, I really was.
It sucks because while I was looking for jobs today I had to wear long sleeves and pants so I wouldn’t be judged. I don’t want people to judge me and think I’m not strong because I am strong to have made it through the horrible shit I’ve pushed myself through, even if I did fall along the way.
And now the scars that I’m going to have are going to be so noticeable that I feel like I will be judged forever. On my pale skin they look purple. It’s repulsive and I just wish people would see how serious of an issue self harm is.
That I could have died that night from it. That’s a really scary thing, and a very serious thing that needs more attention.
Because I didn’t realize how bad I was until someone told me.
This is me, I’m the girl you folloow on here. Those cuts? Those are me too. I get compliments all the time on how beautiful I am, but it doesn’t matter. When you hate yourself you hate yourself, and everyone in the world could come to you and tell you how gorgeous you are but when it comes down to it, the problem is me. the problem is me in my head. I have a disease, it makes me hate myself. I’m a smiley giggly flirty girl. But don’t be confused and think that means im happy. Depression is behind all kinds of places. This girl you saw at the club dancing the night away threw up her whole dinner before she came out in an attempt to be happy and thin one day. She goes home and cries because she feels empty. Everyone loves her, but she doesn’t love herself. and if you dont love yourself, no one elses love means anything
the girl with the smile lays on her bathroom floor in tears covered in blood all down her thighs and arms and she gets furious because shes running out of room for places to cut.
But tomorrow I’ll put my face on and my hair will be done and i’ll look like the perfect pretty girl.
Depression is everywhere. It could be in anyone, don’t let the outward appearance fool you.
It’s everywhere people have to be helped. This is REALITY.
Lend out a hand we are in this together.
It’s time I open up about something I’ve kept a secret for 2 years now. Even when I was in counseling and went to rehab I kept it a secret just because it hasn’t been something I’ve been willing to give up. I don’t post about it on anything, ever. Just because I really don’t want people that know me personally to look at me different because of it. And because in my head it’s so twisted that I don’t think I deserve the title till I’m in the hospital. I’m pretty sure some personal people still follow me on here so I’m questioning even posting it on here. But I think it could help some people so it will be worth it.
I’ve been dealing with an eating disorder on and off again for the past 2 years. Recently it’s started back up much stronger than ever before. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t ever eat like normal anymore. I can’t remember the last time I ate a full meal, it was at least a month ago. Now when I eat I just pick at everything. Because otherwise when I eat I just run straight in to a bathroom and get rid of as much of it as I can. Which is really a task for me because I don’t have much of a gag reflex so it turns into a really bad sore throat that my family can hear that I have no explanation for. It’s tearing me up, my weight controls my mood completely and it fluctuates so much from all the fasting and then trying to eat again. Once I lose weight it comes straight back so I kick myself for keeping up with this because I know it’s not going to do anything but it’s engraved in my head now. Any time I eat anything the calorie number is all I can think about and how I don’t want to go over the 500 mark for the day, and when I do I just cry, get angry, or at times even cut again. And I can’t stand when people bring up that I don’t eat enough or am starving myself and thats why I won’t lose weight and try to tell me ways to do it because they don’t understand how this way that i’ve fallen in to is stuck in my head. It’s my every though of every day. And I want to get better but I don’t even see that being possible because it’s just too much guilt and i’ll just look at my reflection in complete disgust and wish I could get back to my weight before my last recovery. I just don’t want to talk to my mom and dad about this because then they’ll worry about me and try to do the thing everyone else does and just try to force food down my throat which will throw me in to a tail spin and do even more harm than good. And I’m dreading thanksgiving tomorrow because we’re going to two dinners
and I just don’t want to be fat anymore. I want to feel pretty and feel self worth. But I don’t even know how to recover and get this voice out of my head. It always comes back. If anyone wants to talk, send me a message and I’ll point you to my personal tumblr or share my number. I’d rather talk to someone who doesn’t know me and won’t look at me like a sick monster.
Wow, I have not been on in a long time. I am so sorry guys. I recently relapsed really hard and in this time of desperation, pain, and loneliness my thoughts come back to those that struggle with me. I am so sorry guys.
For those struggling with Thanksgiving tomorrow, know that you’re not alone.
I am right here with you. I’ve gone back to my “old ways” but I’m determined to stay away from it tomorrow. It’s the hardest day of the year. But we can do it.
Love yourself FIRST and everything else falls into place - Lucille Ball
Source: ‘Positive Outlooks’ facebook page